January 1 2003

How did it get to this point? The point where I pretended to fall asleep and at the sound of your deepest exhale, signaling that you were fast asleep, I crept to your kitchen and grabbed the biggest, sharpest knife from your drawer and tip-toed back down the hall into your room and back into your bed. At this point I glance over at MY daughter, who biologically is OUR daughter, but was never really YOUR daughter and hoped that she would continue to sleep. I then climb onto your body and I wrap my legs over your arms and legs restraining them, making sure I had control over your limbs. I place the knife right at the apple of adam and called out your name...

I wanted to kill you and I could've right there, for having the audacity to put your hands on me. Sadistic actions led you to place me in front of the mirror so I can watch as you wrapped your hands around my neck and choked me til I couldn't breathe. My face began to turn purple as you called me all types of derogatories, and then the baby, she just walked in and my neck was suddenly free.

In your sick mind, you probably thought that you were showing me whose boss as you placed me in front of the looking glass. You were mistaking though because you ignited an anger and passion so strong whose sole purpose was to defeat you. As I watched myself almost die, I vowed that if I survived I would never end up in a situation like that again.

It was New Years Eve/Day 2003 and I was over you. I planned it all out a you climbed on top of me, while the baby was asleep, forcing yourself inside of me. I was so numb by that time that I formulated my plan as I vocalized the programmed sex talk and you just get on pushing without a clue. I was planning to kill you that day, unless the baby awoke. But when real time hit and I had that knife to your throat, I realized you were already dead to me. So I gave you a warning and let you fall back to sleep, I began to pack our things, my daughters and mine and when the sun came up I left with a smile on my face.