Special K in 2008

So this year has definitely been a rollercoaster of a year for me. I have had really good times and some very negative times. I knew this year would be a not so good year when I started it off alone crying as the ball dropped.

So what happened to me this year: I left a job for a new job. I then came to realize that leaving the old job would be a HUGE mistake. A mistake I totally learned a very important lesson from which was: I no longer want to work in a career that is directly involved with children. I spent most of the year seeking a newer job but have not found the job yet.

My relationship ended and my life seemed to crash and burn. Then my relationship seemed to be reborn into a category I can't technically classify but most days I feel that I am taken, he is still my love, and that one day I will be his wife. Every now and then I cry because we "aren't together" or because I might unknowingly be "losing him" or because I don't have a clearly defined relationship. I love him beyond love though and I would marry him and spend the rest of my life with him without thinking twice, so I don't know what we will or will not have in the new year but I do know that he is my Best Friend and he truly has my back wholeheartedly.

My friends... My line sisters became strong parts of my life again and I aint letting them go no where this time (you guys are stuck with me). Some childhood friends have been around again... not to my pleasure or displeasure. I made a ton of new friends that I love. I let some friends go that may or may not even realize.

My relationship with my mother and daughter continue to grow stronger and more solid and I am amazingly happy and more whole because of it.

I finally let go some emotions that I had stored deep inside me and have been happier in my personal life ever since.

I had my first Legacy Line as a Dean and love my babies dearly. I also built a stronger tie to Legacy and certain members. I have always been committed to Legacy but now I am a forefront player!

I am happy to say goodbye to 2008! I hope that I get to see better/happier times in 2009. I wish everyone a happy and healthy new year and am so excited that tonight I am spending the night with true blues!

Happy New Year!

He saved my holiday spirit and for that I am truly thankful!

I was having a moment yesterday where I almost thought that I wasn't going to allow myself to enjoy the holidays this year but about an hour later I was in the holiday spirit once more.

This holiday season has been a little hard because I am not exactly sure where my relationship stands and what I want and what I think I have and what I actually got... well I dunno if it is the same thing or not (sorry if I confused you there). So we exchanged gifts yesterday and we knew what we were getting but the card it... it made me damn near cry because it was so cute and sweet and romantic. I got all I dunno I dunno in my head and a million things came across my mind at once but I didn't wanna mess up the moment and he knows me so well he sensed the sadness and I was getting worried that he would leave and I would be sad and the next few days would be miserable but he stayed and the feeling faded.

Although I don't know exactly what we are or what we are not, I do know that I love him so much and he is great to me. He treats me like a queen and he is always there for me and like an angel he didn't allow me to fall yesterday. So because of him my Christmas Spirit has been kept alive and well and with that I leave you with a wish:

I wish you a Merry Christmas full of happiness. I wish you a Holiday Season full of love and laughter. I wish your wishes come true.

Quote # 4

"i know that you believe you understand what you think i said, but I'm not sure u realize that what you heard isnt what i meant" - J.E.

hmmm ever found yourself feeling like this??

My sickness

I totally think that my sickness lately stems from work stress.

Let's look at the following examples:

I went on vacay to VA and had a great time! I come back and I'm still chilling but once the weekend came 2 days before my return to work I get SICK!

I had a Friday off for a three day weekend, Friday and Sat I'm super good, Sunday comes around and I feel like crap.

When I wake up everyday it is sooooo hard to go to work. But I can get up to do just about anything else.

Celebrating Friends...

There is nothing in the world better then hanging with real people, that know you and love you. I must admit that every now and then when me and Kerri get together we turn into 12 year old children and bug the hell out. But isn't that why life is worth living?

At every difficult point in my life I ran to one or two specific friends for comfort and/or advice. I have a select few that I "run to" but without them I wouldn't be alive today (seriously). I love and cherish my real, true friends because I am a real true person.

I don't have the time nor the patience to surround myself or deal with fake people. I have eliminated so many fake people out my life in the past few years. But growing up and becoming more mature, I've learned that sometimes it is ok to forgive someone who has made a mistake before and sometimes it really isn't necessary to hold on to to friends just because you've known them since childhood. Appreciate yourself and only hold on to friends that make you feel good.

A real friend is a giver and a taker. someone that will cry on your shoulder and then let you cry on theirs. They understand that you can't be happy every single day and don't take offense when you need alone time. They aren't shady nor stalkerish. And they aren't your friend for any reason, people that become friends with you for a purpose usually end being your worst enemies.

Well thank you to my true blue friends! I love you and I appreciate you each and everyday!

Quote # 3

"If it doesn't make a difference, what difference does it make?"

Think about it.

For the good men...

It's crazy how most women depict men as dogs, liars, cheaters, assholes, etc. But those same women get pissed off when men say that women aint shit but hoes and tricks.

Well I've decided to celebrate the "good guys" today. There are men out their that take care of themselves. They love and appreciate their significant others. They are family oriented. They are educated and hold down steady jobs. They may not be ballers or shot callers but they are proud to be who they are. They will protect you, never neglect you. Make you feel like you are the only person in the whole wide world. Even when they are not at 100% they still put you before themselves. They know how to make you smile while you are shedding tears. They point out your strengths in your time of weakness. They walk around, they pass right by you everyday, be careful not to prejudge them because they will slip by.

To these men. Thank you. Because of you I am hopeful and because of you my heart has not turned cold. And to the one man the one good man in my life. Thank you for helping me shine and succeed and for reminding me that I am a queen and treating me like one at all times.

Sometimes I totally agree with this...

I am thankful for...

my daughter, life, love, the family members that I like ;), my line sisters, my line brothers, my friends, Kerri, Dwight, pepsi, my I-pod, beyonce, ne-yo, my paychecks, education, the privilege to vote, Obama 08, porkchops, chicken, rice & beans, good books, movies, the internet, facebook, malibu & pineapple, pumpkin pie, cheesecake, cadburry chocolate, my phone, hugs & kisses, saturdays, holidays, good health (most of the time), uggs, nikes, dereon jeans, coach, old navy, common sense, street smarts, reality television, brownies, icecream, poetry, freedom of speech, equal rights, the "f" word (especially when i'm angry), jay-z, nas, biggie, method man, wii, nintendo, jordans, rainboots, purple, blue, fill in the words, suduko, big speakers, email, texting, and more.

What are you thankful for??

Quote # 2

"Live and let live."

If people actually follewed this quote as a way of life there really wouldn't be any conflicts, or would there?

Planning Vs Living???

So after a conversation with my cousin about how we (two women) like to know what is going to happen tomorrow and maybe next week too but find it very difficult for the men in our lives to think that far ahead because they (two men) seem to live only in the moment.

I am currently obsessing over an issue that I definitely do not have control over and the idea of not knowing whats happening drives me insane! I was trying to have a conversation with the man in my life about this issue, but he prefers to wait and see the outcome of the issue before talking or planning about it and I just feel a little bothered that he won't budge not even a little. I am able to live in the moment about certain issues but life changing/deciding issues, I'd rather have a plan A-Z with semi alternates because I like to be prepared!

Is it really a mans way of thinking over a women's way of thinking? I don't know but what I do know is while I plan for tomorrow sometimes I do miss out on what is actually happening right now, but some people that are living in the moment aren't truly prepared for the harsh realities that tomorrow sometimes brings.

Well if you have a thought about this drop it. I am signing off for now.

Deep 'dark' Secrets

Everyone has a deep (not necessarily dark) secret. Some people go to the grave with these secrets, sometimes people reveal them to FREE themselves. Some people reveal them and end up all alone and find themselves regretting speaking the truth.

But if you hold these secrets near and dear to your hearts do people really get to know the real you? Do you get to know the real you?

I first revealed my deepest secret about 5 years ago to a person that made me feel comfortable enough to speak on it, and I, I was reborn that year. Yes I made mistakes and o did I go through my toddler stage where I fell and cried but then I got back up again.

My secret was that I was molested by a female when I was 5 years old and after admitting it and working through it, I finally began to HEAL. Are you ready to decide whether it's time to reveal your secret or not?

So yah know I love Beyonce right?

Well yesterday DW says that she became a DIVA because of Jay-Z and I almost blew a freaking gasket. Seriously Beyonce has got the whole damn package, she's Beautiful, she can really SING, she can DANCE, she can ACT, and she aint a size 2! She was climbing the ladder way before her Jay-Z days and whether or not she is his wife has no impact on her fan base. I like Beyonce because of her songs and her persona and never did I hope on the "o she's dating Jay-Z train."

And one more thing behind every successful MAN is a STRONG SUPPORTIVE WOMAN!!! Don't get it twisted!

Quote # 1

"You got to fake it til you make it"

When can you apply this quote? Is it one that is always applicable? What do you think?

I'll Wait

You would think that life eventually becomes smooth sailing, especially someone like me who has bump after bump in the road of life since very early. But at this time, I'm going through one of those who the hell am I and what is my purpose phases. This phase has been going on since January of this year and I have yet to come to a full conclusion. But I have some things that I am very grateful for:

1) My daughter (watch out 2019) she's going to be a revolutionist!

2)My Female BFF and Male BFF without them I would probably have killed someone by now and been in Attica planning my escape.

2) My Beautiful Line Sisters (funny how at certain times in our lives we don't really hear or see each other because we are really BUSY women) I know they have my back and I love them like crazy.

Yes I know I have 2 # 2's :)

3) My family (blood and water)

Well I don't know when I'm going to fully understand nor appreciate who I am and why I am here pero I know I got it better then a lot of others so I'll wait.

Emergency Room Run

I was in extreme pain on Tuesday night so I decided to stop being all anti-hospital and go to the ER. I went to Mount Sinai for the 1st time ever. I was happy at how quickly I was triaged and about 15 minutes later, I was being taken to the back.

Surprise, surprise there were so many beds with curtains, only 1 room (just in case you needed more privacy then a curtain could provide) and all you can hear are the beeps of those machines (I hope you know what I am talking about). Well I experienced an ok visit I guess, happy that nothing was found by the docs, but as for things that I heard and witnessed were damn right reason to piss me the hell off!

Patient # 1 - An older lady sort of reminded me of my grandmother, can't breathe correctly and only speaks spanish. White doctor screaming very distorted spanglish phrases at her. (Now I understand that this is a Jewish Hospital, but damn not 1 person was available to translate.) She was fighting the tube that they were trying to put in her nose, practically crying (scared obviously) and all you hear is the white doctor shouting (maybe because spanish people are hard of hearing, or because all old people are hard of hearing, or maybe because she will understand him better if he SHOUTS) "Senora please calmate, el tubo is going to make you breath easier. (Ugh I wish I knew spanish to help this poor lady. Damn hospital needs to invest in a translater or a nurse that speaks SPANISH, you service EL BARRIO PEOPLE!!!)

Patient # 2 - A young Puerto Rican (hood looking) man, who is in extreme pain. He is moaning and waits about a half hour before a nurse comes to his bed and tells him she can't give him anything until the doctor see's him. About 20 minutes after that the same white doctor comes over and says, "Hey can you tell me why you're here." The guy then explains that he is in PAIN and that he has LUPUS and was just here a week ago. He goes on to explain that his medicaid was cut so he hasn't been on meds and he is waiting for the social worker to help him get back on medicaid. The doctor is like "Not having insurance is a problem guy." (And I'm like "duh". What kind of freaking society do we live in that allows people with LUPUS or any other incurable DISEASE to walk around with NO MEDICATION because they don't have insurance? How doesn't he have insurance? Shouldn't there be some damn law that gives people insurance when they have DISEASES that can only be controlled with EXTREMELY expensive but necessary medication? And ok now he told you he's in pain, can you get him some pain medication and allow him to take it while you continue to ask stupid questions?) Well needless to say they were going to send him home with no medication just the one that WHITE DOC administered to him about 20 minutes later.

This leads me to be THANKFUL that I have medical insurance and speak english, but once again I live in el barrio which means most of my neighbors do not speak english and/or don't have insurance, and I am not too sure I like how they are being treated in the hospital.

I also think that I should've just went to metropolitan! I am still convinced something is wrong with me but now I know it aint something detectable by blood, urine, or cultures.

Well that's all for now...

THROW BACK (3/9/2007)

This was written by yours truly after hearing complaints from both the male and female species about their significant others. But I still feel it is valid almost 2 years later... Enjoy

Unwanted Information

I'm tired of guys and girls complaining about shit that their boy/girlfriend told them that they just can't believe....

So lets keep it real:

Don't ask how many people they slept with... because no matter what number they say you aint going to be happy... Real low numbers scare you cuz you think they gonna run back to their exes or that they lying... real high numbers scare you cuz you think they gonna be getting some on the side or just make you think their ass is a hoe...

Don't ask did you really love your ex... because if they say yes you gonna think that they gonna cheat and if they say no you gonna think they lying and that they gonna cheat...

Don't ask where's the freakiest place you've did it... what's the freakiest thing you've done... you gonna be mad!!

Don't ask if they think you're friend is cute... you gonna be mad if they say yes and if they say no you gonna be mad cuz you don't have ugly friends.

Don't ask are you cheating... UNLESS your ass is really ready to hear YES and you really gonna LEAVE.

Don't look through phones... check emails... etc... you dont really know where any of those conversations are going or have been unless you start from the first message, and if you start from the 1st and its shit that PISSES you off are you PREPARED to BOUNCE???

Don't stalk their friends... if they don't like you they gonna lie to get rid of you... if they do like you they gonna try to sleep with you.

Don't ask if you have better vagina or penis then the last person... what if they say no then what....

Some things are better left unknown... other things will come out at the right time and when the love and trust is strong enough in your relationships to seek past the goddamn first instinct responses.

Domestic Violence

I believe that everyone male and female experience domestic violence at least once in their life, even if it ain't directly.

Recently I found out that one of my friends is experiencing this demon right now and I am extremely upset that I can't help her. But I know from experience that only the individual can truly free themselves from the nightmare. Well now I feel angry because this friend is acting as if she didn't call me hysterically crying at 6am in the morning, saying that she just wanted to come home, like I didn't boggle my half asleep brain to think of ways for her to safely get out of her house. I love her and I worry for her. But seriously what the hell can I do now? I knew it would be this way the day after, the denial and almost shame that she must feel for actually calling me for help. She doesn't realize that she NEEDS to get out and that she can call me everyday and I can try and motivate her, even demand of her to leave but she will never leave until she is READY and I just hope she is ready before she is dead.